Part of The Amazing Me Top Tips Series
Because the Question Isn't Always the Question
Over the past two blogs, we’ve explored what happens when our children ask questions that catch us off guard.
In Blog #17, I talked about the danger of slamming the door. Those moments when shock, embarrassment, fear or discomfort lead us to react in ways that can quietly shut down future conversations.
Then in Blog #18 we explored some encouraging news: even if a conversation doesn’t go the way we’d hoped, it’s rarely too late to come back. We can reconnect. We can repair. We can keep the door open.
But once the door is open, another question emerges.
Now what?
How do we move beyond simply keeping the conversation alive and begin to understand what our child is really asking us? Because often, the words coming out of our child’s mouth are only part of the story.
Beneath many questions sits something deeper.
A need for reassurance.
A fear.
A worry.
A desire to belong.
A quiet question about whether they are normal, safe, accepted, or understood.
And unless we take the time to step through the door and explore what sits underneath the words, we risk answering the question our child asked — while missing the question they really needed answered.
Let me show you what I mean ……
You’re sitting on the couch at the end of the day.
It’s one of those quiet, ordinary moments – the TV on in the background, your mind beginning to switch off.
Your son crashes down beside you.
No warning. No build-up.
“Dad… is it normal for me to get an erection when I’m playing with my friends?”
You freeze.
Not outwardly.
But inside — everything pauses.
Your mind starts racing.
Where did that come from?
What does he mean by that?
Is something happening?
Is this okay?
You glance at him.
He’s not laughing.
He’s not being silly.
He’s not trying to shock you.
He’s just… waiting.
And suddenly, the moment feels heavier than the words themselves.
Because you realise this isn’t just a question about bodies.
It’s not really about erections.
It’s a child, sitting next to you, quietly asking:
👉 Is my body okay?
👉 Is something wrong with me?
👉 Can I talk to you about this?
You open your mouth to answer.
Then pause.
Because something about the way he asked it… doesn’t feel casual.
“Hey…” you say gently, keeping your voice steady,
“what made you ask that?”
He shrugs at first.
“Nothing.”
A small pause.
Then, quieter this time:
“It just… happens sometimes.”
You nod slowly.
Not rushing.
Not jumping in.
“Okay,” you say softly.
“Tell me a bit more… what do you mean by that?”
He looks down at his hands.
“It’s just… when we’re playing. Like mucking around and having fun. And then… it happens, quite a lot actually.”
Another pause.
“And I don’t know if that’s… weird. I can’t control it, it just happens”
There it is.
Not in the first question.
Not in the word “erection.”
But underneath it.
👉 Is this normal?
👉 Am I weird?
👉 Is something wrong with me?
And suddenly, everything becomes clearer.
This isn’t a question you need to shut down.
It’s not even a question you need to fully explain right away.
It’s a moment to understand.
A moment to reassure.
A moment to let your child know:
👉 You’re okay.
👉 Your body is okay.
👉 And you can talk to me about this.
👉 Notice how the answer didn’t come first – understanding did.
👉 This is the difference between reacting to a question… and truly responding to your child.
The Lightbulb Moment
What just happened in that moment is something many of us miss.
On the surface, your child asked a question about erections.
A factual question. A biological question.
And as parents, that’s often where we go first.
We explain.
We inform.
We try to get the answer “right.”
But underneath that question was something else entirely.
A second question.
One that wasn’t spoken out loud.
👉 Am I normal?
👉 Is something wrong with me?
👉 Am I okay?
And this is where so many of us feel unsure.
Because we think our role is to answer the question.
When in reality, our role is to understand it first.
This is the shift.
And once you see it, conversations with your child begin to feel very different.
Returning to Blog 17 Questions
What becomes clearer over time is that not all questions are created equal.
Some sound confronting.
Some feel inappropriate.
Some catch us completely off guard.
And many of them are the very questions we explored back in Blog #17 — the ones that can make even the most prepared parent freeze:
“What’s a 69?”
“What’s anal sex?”
“I heard about ejaculations… what are they exactly?”
“Is it true that sex feels amazing?”
“Do you and Dad do that?”
“How many times do you and Dad have sex?”
“Hey Dad… can you have sex with yourself, or do you always have to have someone with you?”
“Is it normal if I get an erection when I’m playing with my friends?”
These are the questions that can trigger panic.
The ones that make your heart race.
The ones that make you think, I am not ready for this.
But here is the shift that changes everything:
👉 The question itself isn’t actually the problem.
👉 The response is what shapes what happens next.
Because when we hear these questions only at face value, we tend to react to the words.
But when we pause and look underneath them, something different begins to emerge.
A child asking, “What’s anal sex?” may simply be trying to understand something they’ve heard about.
A child asking, “Do you and Dad do that?” is often trying to understand relationships and closeness.
A child asking, “Is it normal if I get an erection…?” is not asking for shock value, rather they are asking:
👉 Am I okay?
👉 Is my body normal?
👉 Should I be worried?
And when we miss that deeper layer, we risk answering the wrong question entirely
The 4 Types of Questions
Over time, these questions tend to fall into four broad types.
We don’t need to label them for our children – but understanding them helps us respond with clarity.
1. Information Questions
“What does that mean?”
These are about language and understanding.
2. Meaning & Values Questions
“Is this okay?”
These are about beliefs, relationships, and boundaries.
3. Connection Questions
“Does this happen in our family?”
These are about trust, closeness, and belonging.
4. Identity & Safety Questions
“Am I normal? Am I safe?”
These are about self-worth, reassurance, and security.
And here’s what’s important:
Most questions are layered.
Which means:
A simple question often needs two responses
– one for the words
– and one for what sits underneath
What This Tip Does for Our Kids
When we take the time to understand what our child is really asking, something powerful begins to happen.
Our children don’t just receive information.
👉 They feel understood.
And that matters more than we often realise.
Because when a child feels heard – truly heard – it builds something deeper than knowledge.
It builds connection.
And with connection comes safety.
Emotional safety.
Psychological safety.
And over time, even physical safety.
A child who feels understood is far more likely to keep coming back.
Not just with the easy questions…
but with the confusing ones.
the awkward ones.
the moments that don’t feel quite right.
And that is where this really matters.
Because when something bigger happens in their world – something that worries them, confuses them, or crosses a boundary – you want your child to already know:
👉 I can go to Dad.
👉 I can go to Mum.
👉 I will be listened to.
👉 I will be safe.
This is how we build that pathway.
Not in one big conversation.
But in small moments – like the one at bedtime.
And just as importantly…
When children feel understood, they begin to understand themselves.
They learn:
👉 My feelings make sense
👉 My body is okay
👉 I am not “behind” or “wrong”
And that quiet confidence becomes one of the most powerful protective factors they can carry with them as they grow.
5 Ways to Practice This Tip Daily
1. Pause Before You Answer
When your child asks a question, especially one that catches you off guard – resist the urge to jump straight in.
Take a breath.
That small pause creates space for you to consider – What might they really be asking here?
It shifts you from reacting… to understanding.
2. Clarify What They Mean
Before answering, gently explore the question.
You might say:
“That’s a great question – what have you heard about that, or where did you hear about it?” “Can you tell me what you mean?” “What made you think about that?”
This helps you avoid answering the wrong question – and gives your child the chance to feel heard from the very beginning.
3. Notice What’s Not Being Said
Children don’t always have the words for what they’re feeling.
So, we look beyond the question.
Notice:
their tone
their body language
their timing (bedtime, car rides, quiet moments, or if urgent – perhaps straight after jumping in the car after school).
Ask yourself:
Is this really about information… or reassurance?
This is where clarity begins.
4. Respond to Both Layers
Yes – answer the question.
But don’t stop there.
Also respond to what sits underneath it.
For example:
“That’s a great question. Let me explain that…” (information) “And I also want you to know – what you’re experiencing is completely normal.” (reassurance)
This is the shift from teaching → to supporting your child as a whole person.
5. Keep the Conversation Going Over Time
Some questions don’t get resolved in one moment.
Especially during puberty.
Your child may ask the same question in different ways… across weeks, months, even years.
This is not a sign you didn’t answer well.
It’s a sign they are still processing and applying to their everchanging context.
And this is where your consistency matters most.
“Remember when we talked about this? How are you feeling about it now?” “Anything new you’ve been wondering about?”
Clarity is not a one-time event.
It’s built over time – through ongoing conversations that say:
I’m here. You’re okay. We’ll figure this out together.
5 Ways to Practice This Tip Daily
For many parents and/or trusted adults, these conversations are not just about getting the facts right.
They are about values.
About the kind of person you hope your child will become.
The kind of relationships you want them to have.
The way you want them to understand themselves and others.
And this is where this approach becomes so powerful.
Because when you slow down to understand what your child is really asking, you are not stepping away from your values…
You are strengthening them.
When you respond with clarity, calmness and care:
You are teaching respect.
You are modelling thoughtful communication.
You are showing that questions are safe – not shameful.
And when you respond to the deeper layer, and not just the surface question, you are also teaching something even more important.
That their identity is not up for judgment.
That their development is not a problem to fix.
That who they are, right now, is okay.
For families with strong cultural or faith-based values, this matters deeply.
Because values are not passed on through silence.
They are passed on through conversations.
Through guidance.
Through presence.
Through trust.
And when children feel safe enough to ask, even the awkward, uncomfortable or unexpected questions, you are in the most powerful position to guide them.
Not through fear.
But through connection.
What Matters Most
It’s easy to assume that our role as parents is to have the right answers.
To explain things clearly.
To respond quickly.
To get it “right.”
But what if the most important part isn’t the answer at all?
What if it’s the understanding that comes before it?
Because clarity is not about having the perfect words.
Clarity is about understanding what your child really means before you respond.
And when you do that – even imperfectly – something powerful happens.
Your child feels seen.
They feel understood.
They feel safe.
And that moment at bedtime?
It wasn’t really about erections.
It was about reassurance.
It was about a child quietly asking:
👉 Am I okay?
And a parent responding:
👉 Yes. You are.
And here’s something else that matters.
Some questions, especially during puberty, don’t go away after one conversation.
They come back.
In different ways.
At different times.
With new layers.
Because your child is growing.
Changing.
Trying to make sense of themselves and the world around them.
And this is where your role becomes incredibly powerful.
You don’t need to fix everything.
You don’t need to speed things up.
But you can anchor them.
With your words.
With your presence.
With your consistency.
👉 You are okay.
👉 You’ll be okay.
👉 I’ve got you.
And that relationship?
👉 Built slowly, conversation by conversation…
It becomes one of the greatest protective influences your child will ever have.
Next week, I’m going to show you something that will make this even easier.
How to understand not just what your child is asking, but how to respond in a way that builds connection, confidence and clarity in just a few simple steps.
A Tween Boys Guide to Puberty
Ages 8–13, published in 2023, this friendly guide helps tween boys understand puberty's physical, emotional, and social changes. With stories, tips, and illustrations, Abby Swift explains body changes, mood shifts, and self-care in a kind, relatable way.
A Tween Girl’s Guide to Puberty
A Tween Girl’s Guide to Puberty by Abby Swift (Ages 8–13, published in 2023) helps girls understand and embrace the changes of growing up. With illustrations and real-life examples, it covers body changes, emotions, friendships, and self-kindness. The book also explores how puberty shapes identity and confidence, offering support for the journey ahead.
Just For Boys
Just For Boys is a book about puberty written by Matt Crossick and illustrated by Rob Davis for boys aged 9 to 12.
Just For Girls
Just for Girls was written by Sarah Delmege for girls aged 9 to 12. This book was first published in 2008 and this edition was republished in 2015. This book serves as a guide that can help young girls go through the process of puberty with a better understanding of what’s happening and why it’s happening.
