Part of The Amazing Me Top Tips Series
Your first response teaches whether you're safe.
They come out of nowhere.
In the car.
At the dinner table.
Right before school drop-off.
Just as you’re turning off the lights at night.
Or worse… with an audience, like very conservative grandparents sitting right there.
And then suddenly:
“What’s a 69?”
“What’s anal sex?”
“What’s a blow job?”
“I heard about ejaculations… but what are they exactly?”
“Is it true that a penis goes inside a vagina?”
“Is it true that sex feels amazing?”
And just when you think you might survive the moment…
“Do you and Dad do that?”
“How many times do you and Dad have sex?”
“Hey Dad… can you have sex with yourself, or do you always have to have someone with you?”
And then the ones that really stop you in your tracks:
“Is it normal if I get an erection when I’m playing with my friends?”
“What if I watched something I wasn’t supposed to… and I liked it?”
“Will I get in trouble if I tell you something?”
You feel it instantly.
The heat in your face.
The panic.
That sudden: What on earth do I say to that? feeling.
And before you’ve even had time to think… something comes out.
👉 “That’s disgusting.”
👉 “We don’t talk about things like that.”
👉 “You’re too young to know that.”
👉 “Where did you hear that?!”
👉 “Don’t ever say that again.”
These are what I call door slammers.
Not because you’re a bad parent.
But because in that moment, often out of shock, fear or embarrassment…
👉 the door to future conversations can quietly begin to close.
And here’s the tricky part.
A door slammer doesn’t have to sound harsh.
Sometimes we slam the door without meaning to.
We laugh because we’re uncomfortable.
We quickly change the subject.
We make a joke.
We tell ourselves we’ll come back to it later.
But children are often watching much more closely than we realise.
They’re paying attention to our words, our tone, our facial expressions and even our silence.
And in those moments, they may be asking themselves:
“Is this a safe topic to bring to Mum or Dad?”
What the Tip Is & Why It Matters
This tip is simple.
👉 Stay calm.
Not because the question is easy.
Not because you feel calm.
But because your first response shapes everything that follows.
When we react quickly, even with good intentions, something subtle happens:
Your child doesn’t learn that the topic is off-limits.
👉 They learn that you are not safe for that topic.
And once that message lands…
they don’t stop being curious.
👉 Remember, curiosity doesn’t disappear. It just goes elsewhere.
And often, elsewhere is:
friends
the internet
social media
older kids
or places that don’t always have their best interests at heart.
What This Tip Does for Our Kids
When we learn to stay calm, even when we don’t feel calm, something powerful happens.
Our children begin to feel:
safe to ask
safe to be curious
safe to be honest
safe to come back again
And underneath even the most confronting questions, what children are often really asking is:
👉 “I just want the definition… what does it mean?”
👉 “Is this normal?”
👉 “Am I safe?”
👉 “Can I trust you with this?”
When we respond with calm, we answer all those questions at once.
From here, the goal is not silence.
And it’s not punishment.
👉 It’s connection, clarity and boundaries – working together.
You might return to your child and say:
“Hey, I want to chat again about what we saw. You’re not in trouble. I might have come across a bit strong before, and I’d really like us to be able to talk about this together.”
Or:
“I know you’ve seen some sexual content. I want you to know there’s nothing wrong with you for being curious. But what you’ve seen isn’t made for kids, and it’s not a safe or accurate way to learn about relationships.”
This is where everything begins to shift.
You are keeping the connection open.
And you are still holding clear values.
“It’s okay to be curious about sex. That’s normal.
But it’s not okay to watch that kind of content.”
And then offer a pathway:
“If you ever see something like that again, I want you to look away and come and tell me. You won’t be in trouble. I’ll always help you make sense of it.”
This is where you move from fear… to teamwork.
And from control… to guidance.
5 Ways to Practice This Tip Daily
🪞 1. Pause Before You React
You don’t need to have the perfect answer immediately.
In fact, your first job is not to answer.
👉 It’s to steady yourself.
A breath.
A pause.
A moment to think.
Even a simple:
👉 “That’s a really interesting question.”
…can completely shift the moment.
🗣️ 2. Keep Your First Response Neutral
Your first words set the tone.
They can either open the door… or quietly close it.
Instead of shutting it down, try:
👉 “I’m really glad you asked me that.”
That one sentence keeps the door open.
👀 3. Keep Your Answer Simple and Age-Appropriate
You don’t need to explain everything.
You just need to explain enough.
Clear.
Calm.
Age-appropriate.
And if you’re unsure:
👉 “That’s a great question. Let me think about how to explain that properly and come back to you.”
❤️ 4. Stay in the Conversation (Even If It’s Messy)
You don’t need perfect words.
You just need to stay present.
Because staying in the conversation protects the connection, and that matters far more than saying the perfect thing.
You can say:
👉 “That’s a big question. Let’s talk about it together.”
👉 “I don’t have all the answers, but I’m really glad you came to me.”
👉 “Wow, I’ve never been asked that before, and it’s a bit embarrassing for me to answer, but I’ll do my best for you, even if I have to come back to you later.”
And … if you’d like some further ideas about those really tricky questions, here are some blogs that I have written that you’ll find helpful;
‘Help, my child asked me about what does the number 69 mean’
‘How would you answer if your child asked what is virginity?’
‘Mum or Dad, what is Masturbation?’
🛡️ 5. Reopen the Door If It Closed
Because sometimes… it will.
You might react quickly.
You might shut it down.
You might say something you wish you hadn’t.
This happens in loving homes every day.
And here’s the good news:
👉 You can always go back.
“Hey, I’ve been thinking about what you asked earlier…”
“I think I came in a bit strong.”
“You’re not in trouble — I’d really like to understand.”
And sometimes the most powerful words are:
👉 “I’m sorry.”
👉 “Can I try that again?”
Repair builds trust.
Aligning This with Your Family Values
Every family has values.
Cultural values.
Faith-based values.
Personal beliefs about relationships, bodies, and behaviour.
Staying calm does not mean abandoning those values.
👉 It means creating a way to pass them on effectively.
Because when a child feels safe and heard:
they are more open to guidance
more open to boundaries
more open to understanding why those values matter
You can still say:
👉 “In our family, we believe…”
👉 “That’s not something we think is okay…”
👉 “Let’s talk about what’s respectful and safe…”
But those conversations land very differently when the door is open. If you’d like to explore this further, I have previously written a blog about ‘5 mindset mistakes that parents make when talking with kids about sex’.
What Matters Most
These moments can feel confronting.
Unexpected.
Uncomfortable.
Sometimes even overwhelming.
But they are also opportunities.
Moments where your child is reaching toward you, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
And yes… sometimes we will get it wrong.
We will react too quickly.
We will feel flustered.
We will wish we had handled it differently.
But this is fixable.
Every time.
Because what matters most is not perfection.
It is connection.
It is repair.
It is your willingness to stay in the conversation.
Because your child is learning something far bigger than the answer itself.
And when you do that, your child learns something powerful:
“I can come to you.” “I am safe here.” “Nothing I ask is too much.”
You don’t need to have all the answers.
You just need to stay in the conversation.
BOOKS
Before you head off to the booklist, I’d love to give a warm shout-out to fellow Australian sex educator and author Cath Hakanson. Cath and I have supported each other’s work for many years, and I deeply respect the way she helps families navigate these important conversations with warmth, wisdom and practical guidance. It’s well worth subscribing to her mailing list.
Play and Learn: Where do babies come from?"
The book "Play and Learn: Where do babies come from?" was written by Cath Hakanson. It is the perfect activity to have open, age-appropriate conversations with children about the mysteries of reproduction. The provided figures can be coloured, and children can dress them up in the various outfits and costumes in this book. There are numerous ways to learn while having a fun time!
The Parents' Guide to PUBERTY
"The Parents' Guide to PUBERTY" was written by Cath Hakanson. This book will teach you what information to share with your child about puberty and how to do so. Whether your child is a willing listener or not, this book facilitates difficult conversations by providing tools, talking points, and prompts to begin discussing the changes they will soon face.
Girl Puberty : How To Talk About Puberty And Sex With Your Tween Girl
'Girl Puberty' by Cath Hakanson provides a complete overview of the issues and concepts regarding girls and puberty.
Boy Puberty : How To Talk About Puberty And Sex With Your Tween Boy
This book guides parents through the many issues and concepts that face boy tweeners and young teens, as they go through puberty.
