Part of The Amazing Me Top Tips Series
Top Tip #28: Consent Starts with Respect
One of my kids, when they were about six, didn’t want to give Nanny, my mum, a kiss and cuddle goodbye.
It was such an ordinary family moment. We’d had a lovely lunch and Nanny was getting ready to leave.
“Come on, give Nanny a kiss goodbye.”
My child pulled away.
Nanny was hurt. My child became upset. I became embarrassed. Someone tried to smooth things over, which somehow only added more pressure.
Within about 30 seconds, our happy family goodbye had become surprisingly complicated.
My six-year-old didn’t have the words to explain:
“I love Nanny. I just don’t want to kiss her right now, and now I feel terrible because everyone seems upset with me.”
They were six.
So they pulled away. They cried. Their body and behaviour were doing much of the talking.
And underneath all those complicated feelings, the consent piece itself was actually quite simple.
My child didn’t want the kiss.
Consent Starts Long Before Dating
Consent has many guises long before sexual relationships enter the picture.
It’s there when an eight-year-old wants to post a funny photo of their friend.
It’s there when two children are wrestling happily until one says, “Stop.”
It’s there when a ten-year-old stands beside a terrifying carnival ride while an adult insists, “Come on, it’ll toughen you up!”
It’s there when a child decides they no longer want to join in, even though they did before.
It’s there when someone was happy to do something yesterday but changes their mind today.
It’s there when two friends want different things and need to listen to each other.
None of these are sexual situations.
But every one of them offers an opportunity to learn something about consent.
Consent education doesn’t begin when children start having sexual relationships. It begins when children start having relationships.
Of course, there will also be times when consent enters our children’s world in more confronting ways, perhaps through something they hear at school, online or in the news. I’ve previously written about how to talk with your child when stories about sex, consent and safety make the news, including how we can respond calmly, listen first and give children the information they need without overwhelming them.
At its heart, consent asks our children to recognise something wonderfully simple:
There is another person here.
I’m having fun doesn’t automatically mean you’re having fun.
I’m comfortable doesn’t mean you’re comfortable.
I want to keep going doesn’t mean you do.
And you wanted this last time doesn’t mean you want it today.
We can teach children to notice, listen and, when they’re unsure, ask:
“Are you okay?”
“Do you want me to stop?”
“Have you changed your mind?”
The goal isn’t simply to get a yes. It is to see and respect the person giving us the answer.
And there is another equally important side to this.
We want our children to see the other person without losing sight of themselves.
Their feelings matter. Their boundaries matter. Their voice matters too.
4 Ways to Practise Consent in Everyday Life
- Let their voice matter
Let’s return to Nanny.
Instead of:
“Don’t be rude. Give Nanny a kiss.”
we might say:
“You don’t feel like a kiss today. Would you like to give Nanny a high-five, blow her a kiss or wave goodbye?”
Nobody needs to be the villain.
Nanny can feel disappointed. My child can love Nanny. And my child’s boundary can still matter.
Consent belongs to the moment.
- Help them understand what is their choice
Respecting a child’s voice doesn’t mean handing over every decision.
Your ten-year-old announcing, “I don’t consent to bedtime,” doesn’t make bedtime optional. Nor does the dishwasher magically empty itself because they’ve withdrawn consent from their household chore.
Children still need adults to parent.
But bedtime is different from, “I don’t want to go on that scary ride.”
And a household chore is different from, “Stop tickling me.”
We can gradually help children understand the difference between responsibilities, necessary parental boundaries and choices involving their own body, affection and personal comfort.
- Notice your own power
Sometimes consent education asks us to turn the mirror towards ourselves.
“But you always give Nanny a kiss.”
“Come on, get on the ride. It’ll toughen you up.”
“Don’t be silly. You’ll love it once you’re on.”
Usually these words come from loving adults with good intentions. Perhaps we’re standing beside a carnival ride we know our child would probably enjoy, trying to encourage them past their nerves. Or perhaps we’re simply embarrassed because they don’t want to give a relative the affectionate goodbye everyone expected.
But it can be useful to ask ourselves:
- Whose need is driving this right now?
Does my child need guidance through something necessary, or am I struggling with their answer because it is inconvenient, embarrassing or different from the one I expected?
Humour and Your Family Values
Humour can also be one of the ways children explore values.
There’s a reason jokes about bodies, sex and growing up can be a little crude or rude. Sometimes children are simply being funny or repeating something they’ve heard. But sometimes humour gives them a safe way to put an idea out there and see how we respond.
Is Mum shocked? What does Dad think? Is this something we can talk about? Have I crossed a boundary?
We don’t need to analyse every joke. But humour can sometimes give us a little window into the world our children are exploring.
We can laugh and still guide.
“That was funny, but here’s what we believe about that in our family.”
Or, “I can see why you laughed, but how might that joke feel if it was about someone here?”
Humour doesn’t have to compete with our values. Sometimes it gives us a wonderfully natural way to talk about them. But as our children get older, there’s another important lesson to add – being funny doesn’t give us permission to cross someone else’s boundaries. A joke can still be inappropriate, hurtful or offensive, and learning to recognise when humour has crossed that line is part of learning to treat others with kindness and respect.
What Matters Most
Consent is more than a definition to teach our children or a conversation to save until they’re older.
It’s part of how we relate to another human being.
I see you.
I listen to you.
I don’t assume what I want is what you want.
I check when I’m unsure.
And when you tell me what you need, your answer matters.
Equally, I want our children to know that their own feelings and boundaries matter too.
That afternoon with Nanny wasn’t a perfect parenting moment. But perhaps that’s the point.
Consent education happens inside relationships, in the messy, loving and sometimes complicated moments of ordinary family life.
And there is far too much here for one conversation.
Nobody learns to drive in one lesson.
And our children won’t learn consent in one either.
Consent by Jayneen Sanders
‘Consent’ by Jayneen Sanders talks about being the boss of your body, always asking for permission, making sure it’s happily given and that you have the right to say yes or no or change your mind. For kids 2-5 years.
’My Body Belongs to Me’ a Parent’s Guide
’My Body Belongs to Me’ a Parent’s Guide by Elizabeth Shroeder is for adults and parents about how to teach the whole family practically about consent and boundaries.
Don’t Hug Doug - He Doesn’t Like It
‘Don’t Hug Doug - He Doesn’t Like It’ was written by Carrie Finison about consent and setting body boundaries. It is recommended for children aged 3-7 years.
Kit & Arlo Find a Way
‘Kit and Arlo Find A Way’ by Ingrid Laguna and Vanessa Hamilton is a story about respect, equality and consent. This book is recommended for children aged 8-12 years. It was published in 2022.
