Part of The Amazing Me Top Tips Series
Stay Curious When Something Doesn't Feel Right
Sometimes It’s a Cry for Help
For most of my recent blogs, we have been talking about questions.
Funny questions.
Awkward questions.
Questions that arrive when we least expect them.
Questions we choose to begin ourselves.
Questions that touch something in our own story.
And questions that grow as our children grow.
But sometimes, a child says something that asks more of us.
Perhaps it sounds like a question.
Perhaps it is a comment.
A story.
A sudden change in behaviour.
Or a small piece of information offered so casually that it would be easy to miss.
Sometimes a child is curious.
Sometimes they are confused.
And sometimes…
they may be trying to tell us something.
Not necessarily in the clear, direct words an adult might hope for.
Children do not always say,
“Something has happened to me and I need your help.”
They may not understand what has happened.
They may not have the words.
They may feel frightened.
Confused.
Embarrassed.
Loyal to someone they care about.
Worried about getting someone into trouble.
Or uncertain about whether you will believe them.
So sometimes what comes instead is a question.
A comment.
A fragment.
A test.
What will you do if I tell you this much?
Will you listen?
Will you believe me?
Will I be safe if I tell you more?
That is why this final blog in our series ‘How Do I Talk to Ny Child About Sex?’ matters so much.
Because sometimes, what sounds like a question may be much more than a request for information.
Sometimes a question is a child testing whether it is safe to tell us the rest.
The question underneath may not be,
“Can you answer this?”
It may be,
“Can I trust you with something bigger?”
That is a very different question.
And it changes how we listen.
When Something Doesn't Feel Quite Right
In previous blogs, my Question Box has helped us notice the extraordinary range of things children wonder about.
This time, I’d like us to look at it a little differently.
Not with fear.
Not with suspicion.
And certainly not with the assumption that every unusual comment means something harmful has happened.
But with curiosity.
Imagine your child saying:
- “My teacher is really kind. They always come with me when I go to the toilet.”
- “I like Uncle Max a lot. He gives me special presents, but I’m not supposed to tell.”
- “I met a really cool friend online. They like Star Wars just like me. Can I go to their house to swap cards?”
- “My friend and I have a game, but they said I’m not allowed to tell anyone how we play it.”
- “Is it okay if someone asks you to keep a secret from your mum?”
- “Why does someone keep messaging me when I’ve told them to stop?”
- “What happens if you said yes to something and then you don’t want to do it anymore?”
- “Will someone get into trouble if I tell you something?”
- “Would you believe me if I told you something really weird?”
- “What if something happened but I didn’t say no?”
Ten very different comments and questions.
Some may have completely innocent explanations.
Some may reflect ordinary curiosity, friendship problems, misunderstandings or boundary testing.
And some may deserve us to pause.
Listen.
And become much more curious.
That is the delicate balance we are trying to hold.
Childhood innocence and risk can sometimes exist in the very same sentence.
A child may genuinely like the person they are talking about.
They may enjoy receiving special gifts.
They may believe an online friend is exactly who they say they are.
They may experience something they don’t yet understand.
Or they may care deeply about someone who has crossed a boundary.
Children do not experience the world in the neat categories adults often wish they did.
Safe.
Unsafe.
Good person.
Bad person.
That is one reason these conversations can be so complicated.
Our job is not to hear one sentence and immediately decide we know exactly what has happened.
But our job is also not to dismiss something simply because there might be an innocent explanation.
This is where the first step of our 5-Step Method becomes especially important.
Notice.
Slow down. Pay attention to what your child is saying, and to anything that feels a little different.
We spend a great deal of time teaching children to trust that uncomfortable feeling inside them.
Parents are allowed to listen to theirs too.
Trusting your gut does not mean jumping to a conclusion.
It does not mean assuming the worst.
It simply means becoming curious enough not to look away.
You know your child better than almost anyone.
You know their usual rhythms.
Their voice.
The way they normally talk about people and places.
If something feels different, slow down.
Become curious.
Because sometimes…
what sounds like an ordinary question isn’t really about finding an answer at all.
Sometimes, it is a child trying to work out whether you are a safe adult to tell.
Sometimes It Is a Cry for Help
Most of the time, our children’s questions really are just questions.
They are curious.
Learning.
Testing ideas.
Trying to make sense of the world around them.
We don’t want to become fearful every time our child says something unexpected. Childhood is full of funny comments, misunderstandings and moments that sound far more alarming than they really are.
But sometimes…
sometimes it is a cry for help.
Not always a loud one.
Often a quiet one.
A child might not even realise they are asking for help. They may simply be trying to make sense of an experience that doesn’t feel right. They may be looking for reassurance that they won’t get into trouble. They may be wondering if what happened was normal, or whether anyone will believe them.
That is why our response matters so much.
If we rush to solve the problem, they may stop talking.
If we react with anger or panic, they may decide it isn’t safe to say any more.
If we dismiss their concern because it seems too small or too unlikely, we may unintentionally close the door they were only just beginning to open.
Our first job is not to investigate.
Our first job is to make it safe for our child to keep talking.
This is where the 5-Step Method we’ve explored throughout this series becomes more than just a conversation tool.
It becomes a relationship tool.
When something doesn’t feel quite right, these five steps help us slow down, stay connected and make it easier for our child to keep talking.
Being the Parent They Can Tell
If a child is trying to tell us something difficult, they don’t need us to investigate.
They don’t need us to fix everything immediately.
They need to know that we are someone they can tell.
The five steps we’ve explored throughout this series aren’t just conversation skills. They are five simple ways of showing our children,
“I’m here. I’m listening. You can tell me.”
- Notice
The first step is simply to notice.
Notice what your child is saying.
Notice what they aren’t saying.
Notice changes in behaviour, mood or confidence.
And notice that quiet feeling inside you that says, “Something about this doesn’t feel quite right.”
Parents often tell me they can’t explain why they felt concerned. They just knew. That doesn’t mean something harmful has happened. It simply means slowing down, paying closer attention and becoming curious enough not to look away.
- Understand
Once you’ve noticed something, resist the urge to fill in the gaps yourself.
Instead, become curious.
Ask gentle, open questions.
“Can you tell me a bit more about that?”
“What happened next?”
“How did that make you feel?”
“I’d really like to understand.”
Children often reveal information gradually. They may tell us one small piece, pause to watch our reaction, then decide whether to continue. They may still be working out whether it is safe to tell us more.
Giving them time, listening carefully and avoiding assumptions helps them feel heard rather than interrogated.
Sometimes they won’t have all the answers.
Sometimes neither will we.
That is okay.
Understanding begins with listening, not solving.
- Respond
How we respond in those first few moments can shape what happens next.
If a child tells us something unexpected or worrying, our instinct may be to react immediately. We might feel shocked, angry, upset or desperate for answers.
Those feelings are completely understandable.
But our child doesn’t need us to have all the answers straight away.
They need us to stay with them.
Take a slow breath.
Keep your voice calm.
Let your facial expression reassure rather than alarm.
Simple responses such as,
“Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m really glad you came to me.”
“I’m listening.”
can make an enormous difference.
Children are often watching us just as closely as they are listening to our words. If they see that we can stay calm, they are more likely to keep talking.
There will be time later to process your own emotions.
Right now, your child needs to know they don’t have to carry this alone.
- Connect
When children tell us something difficult, our natural instinct is often to gather information.
What happened?
When?
Who was there?
Why didn’t you tell me sooner?
Those questions may become important later.
But first, connect with your child.
Help them feel seen before they feel questioned.
You might say,
“That sounds like it was really confusing.”
“I’m so sorry you’ve been carrying this on your own.”
“Thank you for trusting me.”
Connection helps children feel emotionally safe.
And when children feel emotionally safe, they are far more able to remember details, answer questions and accept help.
Never underestimate the power of simply sitting beside your child.
Sometimes your calm presence says more than any words ever could.
- Keep the Door Open
One conversation is rarely the end of the story.
Children often remember more over time.
They may find new words.
Or they may simply feel safer after seeing how you responded the first time.
Let them know they can come back whenever they need to.
You might say,
“If you remember anything else, you can always tell me.”
“We don’t have to work this out today.”
“I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
Keeping the door open also means accepting that some conversations unfold over days, weeks or even months.
There is no perfect script.
No perfect response.
What children remember most is how we made them feel.
Did they feel believed?
Did they feel heard?
Did they feel safe?
If you believe your child may be at risk of harm, or they disclose something that raises concerns about their safety, your role is not to investigate on your own. Your role is to listen, reassure them that they have done the right thing by telling you, and seek appropriate professional support.
Protecting children is something we should never feel we have to do alone.
What If I Missed Something?
This is the question that quietly sits in the hearts of so many parents.
“What if something happened and I didn’t notice?”
“What if I missed the signs?”
“What if my child tried to tell me and I didn’t realise?”
If those questions have crossed your mind while reading this blog, you are not alone.
Many loving parents worry about getting it wrong.
But here’s what I hope you take away.
Children are remarkably perceptive.
If a conversation doesn’t go the way they hoped, they don’t always give up forever.
They often try again.
Perhaps in a different way.
On a different day.
With a different question.
Or through a seemingly unrelated conversation.
That is why it is never too late to begin listening differently.
If you realise there was a moment you wish you’d handled another way, don’t let guilt have the final say.
Repair is always possible.
You might simply say,
“I’ve been thinking about something you told me the other day, and I don’t think I listened as well as I could have. I’d really like to understand if you’d still like to tell me about it.”
Those words model something incredibly important.
Humility.
Courage.
And the willingness to come back.
Just as we hope our children will.
Why the Small Conversations Matter
By now, you may have noticed something.
The five steps we’ve used throughout this series were never really just about answering questions about bodies, puberty, sex or relationships.
They were helping us build something much more important.
Trust.
Every time we notice instead of dismissing…
Every time we choose curiosity instead of assumptions…
Every time we respond calmly instead of reacting…
Every time we connect before we correct…
And every time we leave the door open for another conversation…
we show our children what it feels like to be heard.
Those lessons are built slowly.
One small conversation at a time.
And over time, those conversations become something much bigger:
the knowledge that they can come to us.
What Matters Most
Throughout this blog we’ve been thinking about the questions our children ask.
The comments that don’t quite make sense.
The moments that leave us wondering whether something more might be going on.
But perhaps there is another way to think about all of this.
Instead of asking ourselves,
“What is my child trying to tell me?”
perhaps we could first ask,
“What is my child trying to discover about me?”
Children don’t usually begin by sharing the biggest, hardest part of their story.
More often, they share a little.
Then they watch.
They notice our face.
Our tone.
Our body language.
They listen to our words.
They pay attention to what happens next.
Little by little, they are gathering evidence.
Not just about whether we love them.
Most children already know that.
But about something else.
Something just as important.
“I know you love me…
…but are you safe enough for me to tell you this?”
Safe enough to stay calm.
Safe enough to listen.
Safe enough to believe me.
Safe enough not to shame me.
Safe enough to help.
Every conversation we have with our children helps answer that question.
Every time we stop and listen.
Every time we choose curiosity over judgement.
Every time we repair after getting it wrong.
Every time we make space for another conversation.
We are quietly becoming the parent they know they can tell.
We cannot promise our children that nothing difficult will ever happen.
But we can work every day to become the kind of parent they know they can come to when something does.
And perhaps, when that day comes, they won’t remember every conversation we’ve had.
But they may remember something even more important.
“You’re the person I knew I could tell.”
Further Reading
If this blog has raised any questions or concerns for you, I’ve written more about some of these topics in the past. You may find these articles helpful as you think about your own child, the conversations you’re having together, and the ways we can help keep our children safe.
Body Safety Education
With a book like Body Safety Education, we can create a safer world for our kids by protecting them from sexual abuse.
Off Limits: A Parent's Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse
‘Off limits -A Parents Guide To Keeping Kids Safe’ was written by two sexual assault prevention experts, Feather Berkower and Sandy K Wurtele. It was published in 2010 and has an underlying hopeful message that child sexual abuse is a real danger for all children but as parents we can help prevent this from happening.
My Body Belongs to Me - a Parent’s Guide
’My Body Belongs to Me’ a Parent’s Guide by Elizabeth Shroeder is for adults and parents about how to teach the whole family practically about consent and boundaries.
My Invisible Line
"My Invisible Line," by Sarah Rahal and Katie Preston-Toepfer, is a teaching tool to empower people with disabilities by emphasising the importance of understanding and employing body safety. It emphasises how people with various disabilities are more likely to be sexually abused. This book is about teaching children how to draw an invisible line and understand their boundaries. It emphasises that it is NEVER your fault if a boundary is crossed.
