Part of The Amazing Me Top Tips Series
Creating Opportunities for Conversation
You don’t have to manufacture conversations. Life is already creating them for you.
Last week, we explored what to do when your child asks a question that comes completely out of nowhere.
But what happens when they don’t ask?
Perhaps your almost eleven-year-old son proudly announces that he’s discovered a few hairs growing under his arms.
You smile.
“That’s awesome. Your body’s starting to change. I remember that happening to me when I was about your age too.”
You could leave the conversation there.
Or…
you could notice the opportunity.
“You’ll probably start noticing hair growing in a few other places soon too, and some other changes as your body goes through puberty. Would you like me to tell you a little about what might happen next?”
That’s all.
No formal sit-down.
No awkward announcement that it’s time for “The Talk”.
Just one ordinary moment…
noticed.
And one door…
gently opened.
This is the other side of talking with our children about bodies, relationships, puberty and growing up.
Sometimes our children ask the questions.
And sometimes…
we begin the conversation.
You Don't Have to Wait for them to Ask
One of the most common things parents say to me is:
“I’m happy to answer my child’s questions. The problem is… they never ask me anything!”
Perhaps your child is naturally private.
Perhaps they’re embarrassed.
Perhaps they haven’t yet found the words.
Or perhaps they don’t yet realise what they need to ask.
Whatever the reason, waiting isn’t the only option.
👉 The best conversations often begin long before our children realise they need them.
When we stop waiting for the perfect question or perfect opportunity, something wonderful happens.
We begin to notice that opportunities for conversation are already all around us.
A television show.
A song on the radio.
A supermarket aisle.
A pregnancy announcement.
A movie.
A news story.
A first mobile phone.
A changing body.
👉 Life is already creating the opportunities. Our job is simply to notice them.
And just as we’ve discovered throughout this series, these conversations aren’t only about sex.
They’re about growing up.
Bodies.
Feelings.
Friendships.
Respect.
Kindness.
Consent.
Safety.
Identity.
Belonging.
Healthy relationships.
Twelve Everyday Moments That Open the Door
Here are just a few ordinary moments that can become gentle conversation starters.
- Your child notices a change in their body.
“Would you like me to tell you about some of the other changes you might notice as you grow?” or “Can I tell you a story about me growing up?” - You walk past period products at the supermarket.
“Do you know what those are used for?” or “Do any of your friends use period undies?” - A character on television has a crush.
“What do you think having a crush feels like?” - Your child is starting to spend more time online.
“What would you do if something popped up on your screen showing people with no clothes on, or something that is really violent and gives you a fright?” - Someone in the family announces they’re having a baby.
“Is there anything you’ve ever wondered about how babies begin?” - An advertisement focuses on appearance.
“Do you think advertisements sometimes make people feel their bodies have to look a certain way?” - Someone ignores another person’s ‘no’ in a TV show.
“What should the person have done to show that no means no?” and “how could the other person have shown respect?” - Your child mentions a classmate with two mums or two dads.
“Families can look lots of different ways, can’t they? What do you think makes a family feel like a family?” - A song about love comes on in the car.
“What is this song saying about love and relationships?” - Your child tells you someone was teased because of their body.
“How do you think that would feel?” - A storyline involves keeping a secret.
“Do you think there are some secrets children should never have to keep?” - Your child asks for their first phone or social media account.
“What should we always be able to talk about if something online ever worries or confuses you?”
Look at that list again.
Those aren’t twelve separate lectures.
They’re twelve ordinary moments.
Twelve invitations.
Twelve small doors that can open naturally when life presents them.
Because proactive conversations rarely begin with:
“We need to have a talk.”
More often they begin with:
“Hey… can I ask you something?”
Or:
“What did you think about that?”
Or simply:
“Did you notice…?”
Small questions.
Ordinary moments.
Open doors.
Let’s zoom in on four of those moments and see how the same simple 5-Step Response Method can help us gently begin the conversation.
Four Everyday Moments That Become Great Conversations
- A Puberty Conversation
Your almost eleven-year-old daughter casually mentions that Year 5 camp is only a few weeks away.
Later that evening, she asks; “Mum… how much blood is in a period?”
At first, it sounds like a straightforward information question.
But before answering, remember the five steps.
Notice
Your daughter has brought you a question about her changing body.
Rather than rushing to answer, recognise this for what it is: an opportunity to connect.
You might say; “That’s a really good question. I’m glad you asked.”
Be Curious
Before explaining, gently explore what prompted the question.
“What made you wonder about that?”
She hesitates for a moment before admitting,
“I’m worried I’ll get my first period while we’re on school camp.”
Now you’ve discovered what she was really asking.
This wasn’t simply a conversation about periods.
It was a conversation about feeling prepared.
About feeling safe.
About not wanting to be embarrassed in front of her friends.
Affirm
“I’m really glad you told me. Lots of girls worry about that before their first period, especially if they’ve got camp or a sleepover coming up. It’s a really common worry.”
Immediately, you’ve normalised both her feelings and her experience.
Answer Simply
You might explain,
“The good news is that there’s usually much less blood than most people imagine, and if your period did start while you were away, there would be teachers and other adults who would know exactly how to help.”
Then make it practical.
“How about we put together a little period kit before camp? We can pop a couple of pads, some spare underwear and a zip-lock bag into your backpack. Lots of girls do that, even before they’ve started their periods. You can also keep it in your school bag, in case they happen when you’re at school.”
Suddenly, the conversation has shifted from worry to preparation. Here’s a blog that I have written on helping your daughter prepare for camp (and for puberty in general) – it’s called – ‘Puberty Kit for Tween Girls’.
Circle Back
“Whenever your body changes or you’re worried about something, you never have to figure it out on your own. We can always talk about it together.”
- An Online Conversation
Your child has just received their first phone.
Nothing has gone wrong.
You’re not responding to a problem.
You’re preparing them before one appears.
You might say:
“Hey, can I ask you something? What would you do if something popped up on your screen showing people with no clothes on?”
Then listen.
Perhaps they say:
“I’d close it.”
Perhaps:
“I don’t know.”
Or perhaps:
“That’s already happened.”
Now you know where the conversation needs to begin.
You might respond:
“Thanks for telling me. Sometimes pictures or videos meant for adults can appear online when we’re not expecting them. If that ever happens, you can close it and come and tell me. You won’t be in trouble, and I’ll be proud of you for telling me.”
The goal isn’t to frighten our children. It’s to make sure they know they never have to deal with confusing online experiences on their own.
You might like to explore this further with a blog I have written about ‘Raising tech Savvy Kids: Practical Tips for Healthy Digital Boundaries’.
- A Body Image Conversation
You’re watching television together when an advertisement appears featuring people who all seem to have ‘beautiful’ bodies.
Rather than simply watching it pass by, you gently wonder aloud:
“Do you think advertisements sometimes make people feel their bodies have to look a certain way?”
Your child might respond:
“Everyone in ads are skinny.”
Or perhaps:
“I wish I looked like that.”
A simple observation has become an opportunity.
You might say:
“I can understand why someone might feel that way. We see lots of messages about what bodies are ‘supposed’ to look like.”
Then gently add:
“The wonderful thing is that real bodies come in all different shapes, sizes and skin colours. Our bodies aren’t valuable because of how they look. They’re valuable because we are all different. Who we are on the inside is what really matters.”
One small conversation can quietly build resilience long before your child begins comparing themselves with the world around them. Here’s a blog that I previously wrote about helping boys deal with body image challenges called ‘Things to Consider as Boys Navigate Puberty’.
- A Respect and Consent Conversation
You’re watching a movie together.
One character keeps pushing after another person has clearly said, “No.”
The story quickly moves on.
But you notice the moment.
You might ask:
“What did you think about what happened there?”
Perhaps your child says:
“They should’ve stopped.”
Or maybe:
“I don’t know… they were probably joking.”
Either answer opens the conversation.
You might respond:
“One thing that’s really important in our family is listening when someone says ‘no’. Everyone deserves to have their choices respected. And you deserve that respect too. What should they have done differently?”
It doesn’t need to become a lecture.
Sometimes one thoughtful sentence is enough.
Life gives us plenty of opportunities to talk about respect long before our children begin navigating romantic relationships themselves.
To explore this further you might like to read something I have written on ‘How to talk about sex, safety and consent after a news story breaks’.
Notice what these four conversations have in common.
None of them began with:
“We need to have a serious talk.”
They all began with something that was already happening.
A body changing.
A phone arriving.
An advertisement.
A television show.
Life created the opportunity.
The parent simply noticed it…
and gently opened the door.
Your Values Still Matter
One of the questions parents often ask me is:
“If I start these conversations, won’t I end up talking about things I don’t feel my child is ready for?”
The answer is… only if you try to answer every possible question at once.
Proactive conversations don’t mean overwhelming our children with information.
They simply mean gently opening the next conversation when the moment feels right.
As you do, remember that your family values still have an important place.
You can explain how bodies change, while also talking about kindness, respect and healthy relationships.
You can answer questions honestly while sharing your family’s cultural, personal or faith-based beliefs.
These conversations are never about choosing between facts and values.
👉 Facts and values can sit beautifully beside each other.
Children benefit from both.
What Matters Most
One of the greatest myths about talking with children is that we have to wait for the perfect moment.
The truth is the perfect moment often arrives disguised as an ordinary one.
A few hairs under an arm.
A television advertisement.
A pregnancy announcement.
A song on the radio.
A trip to the supermarket.
Life quietly offers these opportunities every day.
Some conversations will last thirty seconds.
Others might continue over months or even years.
Some will make you both laugh.
Some may feel a little awkward.
That’s okay.
Awkward conversations are often the ones our children remember most, not because they were perfect, but because we stayed in them together.
I’d love to finish where we began.
Imagine Dad and his son a few weeks after that first conversation about underarm hair.
They’re getting ready to leave the house when Dad reaches for the deodorant.
Smiling, he says,
“You know, your body’s going to keep changing over the next few years… but here’s something funny. Bodies don’t stop changing when we become adults.”
“In fact, now that I’m getting older, I’m losing hair from my head…”
He pauses dramatically.
“…and it’s so annoying sometimes because it’s started growing in all sorts of funny places instead… like my nose and even on my ears!”
His son laughs.
Dad laughs too.
Then, just as naturally, he adds,
“Our bodies keep changing throughout our whole lives, and that’s completely normal.”
“So if you ever feel worried about something that’s happening with your body, or you’re wondering when something’s going to happen, remember… I’ve been through puberty too.”
“Nothing is worth worrying about on your own.”
“No question is too awkward, and no problem is too big to keep to yourself.”
“We’ll always find a solution together.”
What a beautiful gift to give a child.
Not simply information.
But the confidence that they never have to navigate growing up alone.
👉 Sometimes we don’t have to wait for the question. We can gently open the door ourselves.
And every time we do, we’re helping our children learn one of the most important lessons of all:
“I don’t have to have all the answers.”
“I just need to know there’s someone I can ask.”
Tell Me
This book answers the questions that our children are asking. Kids also ask the kind of questions that, to a lot of adults, may seem awkward to answer. With this book as a guide, you can finally give factual, age-appropriate answers for their questions about their bodies, sex, and relationships.
The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods
The Autism-Friendly Guide to Periods was written by Robyn Steward for kids within the spectrum aged 10 and above.
Included: A book for all children about inclusion, diversity, disability, equality and empathy by Jayneen Sanders
Included: A book for all children about inclusion, diversity, disability, equality and empathy by Jayneen Sanders is a story book written for 5-12 year olds to help them understand that kids with disabilities are just like kids everywhere. It was published in 2022.
All About Families
'All About Families' was written by Felicity Brooks and Mar Ferrero published in 2018 by Usborne for children aged from 9-12 years about family diversity.
