Part of The Amazing Me Top Tips Series
Clarify Before You Answer
You walk into your son’s room to say goodnight.
It’s your usual routine. Lights out. A quick check-in. Most nights, he’s already asleep by the time you get there.
But tonight is different.
He’s awake. Lying on his side, facing the wall.
You can tell straight away.
Something’s not right.
You sit down gently on the edge of the bed.
“Hey… you okay?”
He rolls over.
And your heart tightens.
His eyes are glassy. His face a little flushed. He’s been crying, or trying not to.
You keep your voice soft.
“Has something happened?”
He shrugs.
A long pause.
You wonder if it’s his brother. Sam can be loud, and sometimes his teasing lands harder than he realises.
“Has Sam been giving you a hard time again?” you ask gently.
He shakes his head.
“No…”
Another pause.
And then, almost out of nowhere, he blurts:
“When do you think I’ll start going through puberty?”
You feel that quiet shift.
You know this isn’t just a question.
You stay calm.
“What made you think about that?”
He hesitates, then looks down at his hands.
“Everyone’s getting taller,” he says quietly.
“Some of the boys are getting bigger and stronger… and some of them have started getting abs and even hair on their faces.”
His voice tightens.
“I’m still the shortest in my class.”
He continues….
“And I probably won’t make the A basketball team if I stay like this… I’m going to be left out.”
There it is.
Not just a question. It’s a statement that comes with more tears.
A comparison.
A disappointment.
A quiet fear that he’s falling behind. A worry that’s been building up inside for quite some time.
You can feel how much this matters to him.
You could answer quickly.
“Everyone grows at different times.”
“You’ll catch up.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
But looking at him now…
you know those words won’t touch what he’s really feeling.
Because this isn’t really about puberty.
It’s about where he fits.
How he sees himself. It’s about what he’s good at and will he fit in with his friends.
Ultimately, it’s about whether he’s going to be okay.
And this moment, while you could give a quick and simple answer, is not one to rush.
Top Tip #15 is this: Clarify before you answer.
In moments like this, it’s not just our child who feels something shift.
We feel it too.
Because when a question carries this much emotion, it can bring up a quiet pressure inside us as parents.
A pressure to say the right thing.
To fix what our child is feeling.
And underneath that, there can be a deeper worry.
What if I say the wrong thing and make it worse?
What if I don’t know how to help them?
What if I can see their struggle… and I don’t have a way to fix it?
So we reach for answers.
But when we move too quickly, we risk answering the wrong question.
👉 And if we don’t clarify first, we risk answering a question our child never asked.
Because this isn’t just a question.
Clarifying slows everything down.
It allows us to gently explore what sits underneath:
“What part of this is worrying you?”
“Is it about your body… or something else?”
And often, what we uncover is something deeper:
“Am I falling behind?”
“Do I still belong?”
“Will I be okay?”
You’re not always going to have perfect words. And sometimes, especially during the puberty years, you won’t have the answer your child is hoping for.
But you can be present.
You can listen.
You can help your child feel understood.
What This Tip Does for Our Kids
When we take the time to clarify before answering, something powerful begins to happen.
They feel seen.
Not just heard… but understood.
And when children feel understood, their emotional world settles.
They may still feel frustrated.
They may still wish things were different.
But now… they are not holding it alone.
This is how emotional awareness grows.
This is how resilience is built.
Notice how the answer didn’t come first. Understanding did.
And over time, that becomes the pattern your child trusts.
This is especially important during puberty, where identity and self-image are forming. In another blog I’ve written, I explore how to support your child’s confidence and self-worth during these years: How to Help Raise a Child With a Positive Body Image.
Because when children feel understood, they come back.
And this connection is one of the greatest protective factors they can have.
5 Ways to Practice This Tip Daily
👀 1. Start with curiosity, not answers
“What made you think about that?”
🗣️ 2. Keep your answers simple and truthful
“Puberty happens at different times for everyone.”
If your child wants more detail, you can explore this together in an age-appropriate way. I’ve written more about the stages of puberty here: What Are the 5 Stages of Puberty?
🪞 3. Clarify the feeling behind the question
“Is this about basketball… or something else too?”
❤️ 4. Reflect and gently check in
“Has anything else been bothering you?”
🛡️ 5. Don’t rush to fix — stay present instead
You can’t start the puberty clock.
You can’t remove every disappointment.
In fact, part of growing up includes learning how to navigate disappointment… even though it quietly breaks your heart to see them go through it.
But you can say:
“I’m really glad you told me.”
“We’ll figure this out together.”
“I think you’re awesome no matter what – trust me on this”
Aligning This with Your Family Values
As children move through puberty, things can feel more complex.
There will be pushback.
Big emotions.
Disagreement.
This is part of growing up.
And it’s also where your role becomes even more important.
Because you are guiding them through change, identity, and self-understanding.
If you’re navigating this stage with a son, I’ve shared more about what boys may be experiencing during puberty in another blog here: Beyond Stereotypes and Toward Emotional Growth: 8 Things to Consider as Boys Navigate Puberty
All those earlier conversations are working.
They are building a foundation your child carries with them.
Even when they push against you.
And through it all:
They are still your child.
Still growing.
Still deeply loved.
What Matters Most
It’s easy to think that in moments like this, your role is to have the right answer.
But if you go back to that moment with your son…
You can see it wasn’t really about puberty at all.
It was about feeling behind.
About comparison.
About wondering if he would be okay.
As children move through puberty, their questions often become more layered.
On the surface, they may ask something simple.
“What’s a wet dream?”
“Can I shave my legs?”
“When will I grow?”
But underneath those questions, which in themselves require clear and straightforward answers, is something deeper that doesn’t get resolved in a single conversation.
A need for reassurance.
A need for validation.
A need to know:
Am I okay?
Do I measure up?
Will I be alright?
And those needs don’t disappear after one conversation.
They show up again and again.
Which is why clarity matters.
👉 Because when we take the time to understand first, we respond in a way that actually fits our child.
Because clarity is not about having the perfect answer.
Clarity is understanding what your child really means before you respond.
When you understand that, something shifts.
You stop trying to fix the question once…
and start supporting your child over time.
Reminding them:
“You are normal.”
“You’re going to be okay.”
“We think you are amazing.”
And that you are right there with them, no matter what.
Click on each book image to learn more. These titles are provided as a starting point for your own exploration and are not necessarily endorsement or specific recommendations.
The parents’ guide to PUBERTY
"The Parents' Guide to PUBERTY" was written by Cath Hakanson. This book will teach you what information to share with your child about puberty and how to do so. Whether your child is a willing listener or not, this book facilitates difficult conversations by providing tools, talking points, and prompts to begin discussing the changes they will soon face.
Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys
Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys was written by Dr. Cara Natterson for boys aged 10 to 14 and is the first book meant for boys under the American Girl brand. It was published in 2017. It’s a guide that helps its readers deal with their changing bodies, the when and why they go through puberty.
What’s Happening to Me? Boy Edition
What’s Happening to Me? was written by Alex Frith for most boys aged 9 to 12. This book by Usborne Publishing provides an overview about puberty in an age-appropriate easy to understand way.
What’s Happening to Me? Girl Edition
What’s Happening To Me? is a book about puberty written by Susan Meredith and illustrated by Nancy Leschnikoff for girls aged 9-14.
